Define "chronic" masturbator.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Be still, my beating vagina.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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