I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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