if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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