the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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