her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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