I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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