They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
