tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
