I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
