how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
