I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
