She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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