There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
