Jerry, you need to find god
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
