Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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