I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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