Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
