I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Houston, we have a squirter
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
