I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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