Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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