They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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