so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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