You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
