im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
