Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
