i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
