Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
