if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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