Cold hands, warm shart.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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