i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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