And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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