Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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