Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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