his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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