you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
