I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
