i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
