No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
