I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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