Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
