Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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