The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
