He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
