Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
