the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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