the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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