She announced her abortion via fbk
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
