If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize