She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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