So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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