I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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