On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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