you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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