I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
sarcasm needs its own font
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
