Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
