3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
