Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
