oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I had to cum in my sink.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
