Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize