Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
