I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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